The following story is shared by Hazelinda Samad through Project Syukran. Do request to join the group on Facebook. We will be sharing stories from Project Syukran on our main site.
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It all started when I was shouted at by my abah,’ YOU UNGRATEFUL CHILD! YOU NEVER BRING ME WEALTH! YOU JUST BRING ME SHAME AND HUMILIATION! I ALWAYS ASKED GOD WHY OH WHY DID YOU GAVE A DAUGHTER AS MY FIRST BORN??!!’
It was the day after my ‘O’ Level results. Went home happily because I have something to show my abah and hoping that he will be happy.
I saw lots of shoes outside my 1room rented flat. Wonder who came today? I went to the front door, said my Salam and went in.
I saw 1 Caucasian man, a Malay woman and 8 young boys. That was when I saw the Caucasian man gave my abah a thick packet. Then my abah looked at me and said,” Lin, pack your bags and go with your uncle. Now!”
I was very shocked and perplexed. I looked at my mum. She was crying but she did not dare to look at me. I knew that this day would come and it suddenly dawned on me that whatever I do would never be enough for my abah. It will never be enough.
I remembered the days that I always used onions to stuff at my armpits just to make my temperature go sky high so that I did not have to go to the bible lessons that my abah forced me to go.
I remembered that whenever I came back from selling my entire mum’s kueh’s all over the neighborhood, he told me that was not enough and I have to go to school without my meals.
I was forced to wear boy’s clothes when actually I would yearn to just have piece of dress that I could wear.
I remembered the sarcasm, the painful mental torture that was ingrained since I knew how to answer him back…
I was so angry, so full of hatred and so full of loathing for this man whom I called abah.
I told the Caucasian man that I do not want to go to him and I wish to stay here. That was when my whole world really falls apart.
‘ YOU UNGRATEFUL CHILD! YOU NEVER BRING ME WEALTH! YOU JUST BRING ME SHAME AND HUMILIATION! I ALWAYS ASKED GOD WHY OH WHY DID YOU GAVE A DAUGHTER AS MY FIRST BORN!’
The Malay woman quickly go to me and said that its ok if I do not want to go with them because it was my abah’s suggestion to offer them to adopt me since they tried for a daughter for so many years but to no avail. I kept quiet and said,” I’m sorry”
The family left. Abah told me that I have to earn my own keep. I have to pay him 200 dollars for the lodging and food. Then he left the house. How am I going to give him the money when I do not have a job?
Starting from that day, I began to work non-stop sometimes 2 jobs at one time while studying for my Diploma in Architecture. I was offered a internship where I could work during the day and attend evening classes 3 times a week.
Weekends, I spent my time working at KFC’s restaurants at a 12 hours shift and catching up on my tutorials and studying in between breaks. I stayed true to my word. I gave the ‘rent’ money to my abah and some to my mom to help her put food on the table.
Besides that I helped my friend do architecture drawings for a fee. It was hard and I was always wondering where is God when you need God the most? Where is God?
My friend, Kusumawati was with me every step of the way. Always reaching out to me and inviting me to join her for religious classes at Masjid Muhajirin. As always, I refused. I have no time. No time.
She was relentless in her pursuit of me going for classes with her. She never turned me away when I needed her most. When I needed a shoulder to cry on and even a person to just hold my hand and say everything is going to be all right…
I joined karate class when another friend of mine from another school urged me to go. I do not know how I managed the time but that is where I met my husband, Jasman. He was tall, sweet and very oh so innocent…. I told him right out that I like him… hahahahahaaaa!!! I knew it! He likes me too! From then on, it was history..
Years go by, I shifted to another company and started my traveling journey where I traveled to most parts of the world. Kusumawati and my boyfriend were always in my mind. We communicate by phone, emails and even letters.
Then one day, Kusumawati passed away. She had breast cancer. I was completely lost, as I have nobody to turn to. I cried for days and I felt empty inside. I went on the overseas assignment even more and more.
Every time I touch down in Singapore, I keep remembering her. I keep remembering her, how she always hugged me whenever we met, how she always have a sweet for me, how sweet her smile was whenever we talked, what clothes she love to wear and what foods she loved to eat. I missed her so much…
Jasman came to my workplace one month after Kusumawati passed away. He brought me out to lunch and gave me a letter. It was a letter written by Kusumawati for me.
“ Salam Lin sweetheart, do not cry ok. I am very happy that you have accomplished something that you wanted all this time. It’s time to for give and forget Lin. It’s time to move on and I believe that you are strong and I believe that you can do it.
Sweetheart, please do not cry. You have Jasman now. He loves more than anything in this world. I know him and I trust that he can take care of you.
Sweetheart, all I need from you right now is for you to pray for me. That’s all I need.
Sign off for now. Loving you always,
Kusumawati. “
I cried and I knew that she wanted me to move on. Jasman hold my hand and said everything is going to be all right. Just like Kusumawati!! I felt relieved that I was not being left alone.
From then on, we got more serious and Jasman came to the house and told my abah of his intentions. Abah just said,’ Can you provide for her? Because I want you to take her out of this house. I hate her!” Then he went inside his room and closed the door with a bang.
We got married 2 years later and I packed my bags and left the house straight after my ceremony. My husband told me to stay but I refused. I told him that abah hated me and does not want to have me in the house.
During our years of marriage, my husband was the strongest and the steadiest pillar that I have known. He always encouraged me to pray, wear the hijab and he showered me with understanding, love and patience.
I was not a romantic woman. I was hard and very perfectionist. I was always picking a fight with him. I was always the one who was hard and unbending. But he was always there to hug me and said that everything is going to be all right.
When my children are born, something inside me began to thaw. I felt that I began to miss my children whenever I was away. I realized that I have never talked to abah after that fateful day.
Mothers’ day come and gone. I always bought something for my mom. I did buy something for abah but he refuse to accept it. It was always bought after weeks of persuasion by my husband.
I came upon “Coffee Conversations with Harasha” posted by Fadzuli. Thought of giving it a try since I have been so busy with my work and my children.
Went to Fika’s café and bistro. Thought would have just intelligent talk like work and children but it ended up otherwise.
At the end of the session, I quickly paid my bill and said hasty goodbyes.
I was practically crying buckets when I stepped out of the restaurant. That is why I wanted to get out of there ASAP. I guess I do not want everybody to see me cry.
But I know that I need to do something.
My husband saw me with my ‘swollen’ and tearful face, he hugged me and said,”Sayang, are you ok?” I said,’ I want to see abah.”
You know what he said? He said, “Its about time….” and he smiled …
I went to my parent’s house at Tampines. I knocked on the door. As usual, my mum opened the door. I kissed my mum’s hand and said that I want to meet abah.
She said he is inside the room as usual reading his Tafsir Al Qur’an, sitting on his favorite sofa seat.
I went to him and I knelt in front of him. I took his hand and said,” Thank you Abah for giving me the opportunity to learnt my self-worth.”’
After that, I just hugged him very2 close. He did not say anything for the first 10 minutes. I felt his arms all around me and I knew that I am forgiven.
The feeling is SUBBAHANALLAH!!… Now I realized that I really miss him …miss him so much to the point that I am blind to it.
When I let go, I heard him said, “ Sweetheart, please forgive me for the wrong doings that I have done to you. Please forgive me my daughter. Please forgive me.” He hugged and I felt his tears soaking my hijab.
At that point of time, I feel that all the burden, hate, loathing and fear that I have of him and about him totally slowly seeped away.
I felt so peaceful and so happy. My mum was crying and my husband was silently crying too.
After that, abah and me talk and talk till it was time for me to go home at Teck Whye. My mum asked me who or why makes me wanted to do this.
I told her,” Ma, today, I met some new friends that made me realize that our life in this world is only for a while. They made me realize too that I have to fill it with love for Allah and forgiveness to the people we love.”
I told her about all of the people that I met today and she was so happy and she said,” My daughter has finally come home…”
I understand what she meant by that statement now. I understand because I feel I have finally come home…
