The Stories and Lessons behind Surah An-Nur (Verses 27 to 28)

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بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Bismi-llāhi r-raḥmāni r-raḥīm

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

اللهم صلي على سيدنا محمد وعلى اله وصحبه وسلم

Allahumma salli ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wasallim

O Allah, send your peace and blessings upon our Master Muhammad and upon his family and companions

This article is a summary of takeaways from Ustaz Dr Mohamed Fatris Bakaram’s Tafsir Online Lecture on 7th February 2021. This lecture was a continuation of the stories behind Surah An-Nur verses. Translations of the previous lecture on 31st January 2021 can be found here. Summaries of previous lectures on Surah Maryam, Surah Taha, Surah Al-Anbiya’, Surah Al-Hajj and Surah Al-Mu’minun can be found here.

The Stories and Lessons behind Surah An-Nur (Verses 27 to 28)

Last week, we concluded the verses of Surah An-Nur relating to the incident of Al-Ifk, where Sayidatina Aisyah RA was slandered as having had an affair with a companion of Rasulullah SAW called Safwan RA. We will be moving to a new story this week InshaaAllah. This story is related to the previous one in that it has similar themes to those of previous verses, so we will continue with the next verses of Surah An-Nur.

Verses Explained

O You Who Believe

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟

O you who believe… [24:27]

Allah SWT begins this new set of verses by calling unto us warmly and affectionately. The way He SWT addresses us is filled with His Love and Rahmah. These verses are specifically dedicated to Allah’s beloved servants who believe in Him SWT.

May we be regarded by Allah as belonging to this beloved group, ameen. As previously mentioned, whenever Allah SWT begins a verse or a group of verses with “Yaa ayyuhallazhina aamanuu”, translated to ‘O you who believe’, then we know that the verses that follow are really important.

This is not to say that other verses are not important, but we know that Allah SWT wants us to pay extra attention to these verses. For this reason, He SWT catches our attention by calling to us first. He tells us, “Pay attention! Open your ears. Open your eyes. Open your heart! Listen, reflect upon, and hold on tight to what I am about to say.”

 لَا تَدْخُلُوا۟ بُيُوتًا غَيْرَ بُيُوتِكُمْ حَتَّىٰ تَسْتَأْنِسُوا۟ وَتُسَلِّمُوا۟ عَلَىٰٓ أَهْلِهَا ۚ ذَٰلِكُمْ خَيْرٌۭ لَّكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

… do not enter any house other than your own until you ask permission and greet their dwellers. That is best for you, so that you may take heed. [24:27]

The Story Behind This Verse

Why did we choose this verse to learn today? Because there is a story behind it. Our Tafsir series focuses on verses of the Quran that come with stories that we can learn from. There is an Asbabul Nuzul for these verses that comes with a brief but impactful story.

There was a time when a believing woman came to Rasulullah SAW to complain to him. She said, “O Rasulullah, when I am in my private space at home, I dress in a way that I do not want to be seen by others, not even my own father or children.”.

When a woman is in her own personal space, it is understandable that she would dress in a way that may not cover her Aurah. She may wear certain things that she wants to only be seen by her husband.

She then continues, “O Rasulullah, the problem is that in my home, there is always someone from my family walking in and out of my private quarters as they wish. I feel embarrassed and guilty being seen by them in such an attire!”. Now, the Tafsir scholars have different opinions regarding whom she was referring to.

Some scholars say it was her father, others say it was her sibling. This woman would probably have been dressing in an attire that was comfortable for her. Perhaps, in today’s context, she could just have a batik cloth wrapped around her, or she could be wearing a short t-shirt and a sarong.

To give some context, the homes of the Arabs were not like our HDB flats here in Singapore. The Daar of the Arabs can be described as a region enclosed by a wall, with a courtyard containing smaller walled spaces within it. The closest comparison that I can think of in our Southeast Asian context to describe this is the Bali house.

The courtyard would have trees and the like and contain individual quarters for each family member; one room for the parents, one for the eldest son and his wife, another for the younger daughter and so on so forth. It became a habit and common practice during the time of Jahiliya for family members in the Arab world to enter each of these private quarters as and when they wished.

This woman had complained to Rasulullah SAW saying that it was not possible to expect her to dress modestly and appropriately even in her own private and personal space. Imagine trying to be comfortable in your own room, and then having your brother or uncle or father walking into your room as and when they wished.

Appropriate Behaviour Within a Household

Seeking Permission Before Entering

Allah SWT revealed this verse in response to her complaint. Allah says, do not enter a “house” that does not belong to you. What this means is do not enter someone else’s room (even if it may be in your house), without first asking for their permission or giving Salaam.

So, this verse does not just refer to people who are living in other houses, when they wish to enter your house. In fact, people living in the same house should ask for permission before entering rooms of other people within the house.

What this means is that when it comes to our own children – if they have not reached the age of Bulugh, it is still ok – if they are old enough to recognise some things as able to invoke certain desires, then in Islam, we need them to ask for permission before entering anyone else’s room.

This is especially so for a son who wants to enter his mother’s room, whether to speak to her or to take something from there, he needs to first ask for her permission. He should knock on the door and say, “Mum, Assalamu’alaikum! Can I come in? I need to take something.”.

You may ask me, “Why do we need to go to such extremes? Even for our own family members? Does the verse not refer only to people outside of our household, for when they want to enter our house?”.

The answer to that is, if you look at the context of this verse, based on the homes of the Arabs, when we apply it to our own context, this is what it means. Looking at the original story, the woman was complaining about her own family members. This was not about people outside of her household.

It was referring to her father, her brothers, even her children. Therefore, scholars say that even in your own family, when your children have reached the age where they need to guard their gaze, then we need to maintain certain Adab in the home.

The adab is that between a male and female, even if they happen to be family members, whether for a child to a parent or for one sibling to another, when you want to enter another’s room, you need to ask for permission.

Knock the door, do not just barge in! You do not want to see your sibling in a state where they are not dressed appropriately. Imagine the disturbance it might cause to your emotions, the trials it might cause. Ask for permission, with or without the Salaam.

Saying Salaam Before Entering

The same applies when it comes to brothers and sisters. When a son wants to enter the room of his sister, he needs to knock the door and give Salaam. “Oh, that is so formal! Why must we give Salaam just because we want to enter our sibling’s room?”, you say. Well, the giving of Salaam is not compulsory. However, asking for permission is.

We want the giving of Salaam to become a habit. We have been taught by Rasulullah SAW about the beauty, importance and virtuousness of giving Salaam. In fact, in a hadith of Rasulullah SAW, he says that if you were to be walking side-by-side with a companion and you happen to get separated for a moment – perhaps there is a tree or lamp post in the middle of the road – then when you meet again, give Salaam!

This is not to be regarded as an inconvenience or a hassle. It is in fact a gift from Allah SWT. The rewards for giving and returning Salaam are immense. In giving Salaam, we are making du’a for one another. When we say “Assalamu’alaikum”, we are praying for peace and comfort for them.

When we say “wa rahmatullah”, we are asking for Allah’s Rahmah and Love upon them. When we say “wa barakatuh”, we are hoping they are showered with an abundance of goodness. Giving Salaam is not Wajib, but if salaam is given to you, it is compulsory to return it.

Which Comes First: Salaam or Consent?

Scholars have a difference of opinion regarding this verse. At times, these scholars can appear strange to us. They question the arrangement of the words. As laymen, when we read this verse, we think there is no issue, but the learned scholars go deeper into the verses when they study them. The issue here is, do we give Salaam first or seek permission first?

Some scholars say that we should seek permission before giving salaam, based on the order of appearance of the word “tasta’nisu” which comes first before “tusallimu”. So, the first opinion is that when you go to someone’s house, you seek for permission first. Knock on the door, and say “It’s me, Salleh! Can I come in?”. If the homeowner responds to welcome you in, only then will you give Salaam.

Most scholars say that there is no priority given to either. We look at the situation and do whichever is more appropriate at that point of time. If you want to give Salaam first it is ok, if we want to wait for their response first before giving Salaam, that is also okay.

I am not sure how the culture is like in other countries, but in Singapore, it is generally accepted that when we give Salaam, we are asking for permission to enter. We say, “Assalamu’alaikum Cik Jah! It’s Timah, here to pass you something!”. In such a case, it is ok to give our Salaam first before we seek for permission.

The Adab of Seeking Permission and Giving Salaam

(1) Do Not Face the Door

There are proper adab for giving Salaam. Amongst them is that Rasulullah SAW has taught us in a sahih hadith, that when we are giving salaam, we should not be facing the door. Instead, stand to the right or left of the door. This means that even as you are asking for permission, do not face the inside of the room.

Even if we are not entering the room without consent being given, if the door is open, we might accidentally see something that we were not meant to see. The purpose of asking for permission, the purpose of giving Salaam…

The purpose is to guard your gaze! It defeats the purpose if you give salaam and ask for permission while looking into the room. Even if the door is shut, face towards the side so that when the door opens, you would not be staring in. This is the first adab.

(2) Give Salaam Thrice, Then Leave If There Is No Response

The second one is that when you are asking for permission and giving Salaam, if there is no response after the third try, then leave from the place. Do not start having bad thoughts about the person at home.

The homeowner has the right to not open the door and to not accept guests. You have no right to demand that they let you in, to speak poorly of them, or to accuse them of things. You do not go around calling them a miser just because you knew that they were at home.

The Story Behind This Hadith

There is a story regarding this matter. It was narrated that the companions in Madinah were having a gathering when Abu Musa Al-Ash‘ari came to join them with worry etched across his face.

The companions questioned him about it. Abu Musa explained that he had just come from Umar’s house. At that point of time, Umar was the Amirul Mu’minin. Abu Musa had been busy with his own matters, when news came to him that Umar RA had been looking for him. He then headed to Umar’s house, and gave Salaam. There was no response even after three attempts, so he left.

When he was walking away, Sayidina Umar spotted him and called him back. He RA said, “Why is it that I called you here, and you came but did not enter?”. Abu Musa said, “I came and gave you Salaam thrice, and you did not respond. So, I returned home.”.

Sayidina Umar then asked, “Where did you hear of this? ‘Leave after Salaam has been given thrice and there is no response’?”. Abu Musa replied, “I heard it from Rasulullah SAW who said, “Give Salaam thrice, if there is no response, then leave.”. Sayidina Umar said, “I will only accept this if you have evidence or witnesses to support this.”.

Abu Musa Al-Ash‘ari was concerned because he was not sure how to support his point. If it had been us, and a reputed Sahabah like Abu Musa Al-Ash‘ari had claimed that he heard it directly from Rasulullah SAW, then we would believe him. We would not question it.

Sayidina Umar questioned him. The companions, upon hearing what Abu Musa had said, and understanding the source of his distress, offered to help. Some of them decided to follow him when he went to meet Umar again. Amongst the people who followed Abu Musa was Abu Sa’id Al-Khudri, who himself heard the same thing from Rasulullah SAW.

Sayidina Umar later explained that it was not his intention to accuse Abu Musa of lying. He said that whenever he hears someone say that they learnt something from Rasulullah SAW, then it becomes a big deal, a matter of great importance to investigate the validity of it.

(3) Do Not Peek in Before Permission Is Granted

The third adab is to not try and peek into the household. There was another hadith where Rasulullah SAW had answered the Salaam of a companion and allowed him to enter. After doing so, he gave a warning saying, “If I had known that before I gave you consent to enter, you had been trying to peek inside… If I had tossed a stone at you and it hit your eye and injured it, there would be no fault upon me. The fault would go to the one who was attempting to peep in”.

Is this not a common occurrence for us in Singapore? Most of us live in HDB flats, where the window is next to the door, along the corridor. While giving Salaam, it is common for us to crane our necks to look inside, to see if anyone is in.

We might even put our hand into the window and pull the curtains aside to look in! Rasulullah says that that is not your right. It is the right of the person inside not to be seen until he gives you consent.

This is where there is a link between this verse and the story of Al-Ifk. If you notice, the bulk of gossip, slander and lies stem from the unguarded gaze. When the eyes see someone with certain flaws and weaknesses, this gaze causes us to want to speak ill about the person.

We spread word of what we think had happened, and because of that, untruths get spread. We have a Malay proverb saying, “dari mata turun ke hati”, which means “what falls from the eyes reaches the heart”.

When the heart is clean, whatever reaches the eyes, will be safe. If someone with a clean heart were to see something they should not, he would immediately make Istighfar. He would say, “Oh this is my fault, I should not have seen that.

And even if I did see it, perhaps I was mistaken. That was between them and Allah, I will keep it with me.”. Now if someone with an impure heart were to see something, and his heart is wicked and evil, then there would be chaos that ensues.

We need to go to the root and nip the problem in the bud. Guard your gaze. When you go to someone’s home, do not look in until you have been given the permission to do so. Even if the door is wide open. Even if you may have heard voices from inside, you do not automatically get conferred the permission to enter.

Questions from the Audience (1)

Allow me to address some questions from the audience.

Q: But what if there is an emergency? What if the person at home has fainted?

A: Well, then we will make careful deliberation. We have been talking about the rules to follow under normal circumstances. In Islam, when there is an urgent need to ensure safety, to save a life, to avoid danger, or to aid someone who is in desperate need for help… In these circumstances, then there is no need to follow the usual rules! If someone is already lying unconscious on the floor, what consent is there left to seek?

If you were walking along the river and you saw a lady flailing her arms around in the water, would you stop and say, “Oh no Ustaz, she is not my Mahram… I cannot look at her and touch her; it is Haram!”.

It is absurd for you to say such a thing. Would you tell her, “Let me call your husband later to ask him for permission to rescue you!”. We do not even say, “Oh, let me look around for a makcik somewhere who will be able to help her! If I help her, my wudhu’ would be invalidated.” If there are extenuating circumstances, then we must make an exception.

Q: What if we accidentally see something in our neighbour’s homes while walking by?

A: If you see something by accident, and it was not your intention to look inside, then it is ok. But if it was your intention in the first place to peek inside to see what you can see, then it is wrong.

Q: What if we have a to make a delivery? If we give Salaam and knock on the door and the person inside does not answer, what do we do?

In this case, there is probably a Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) or regulations regarding this matter for deliverymen. I do not know; I am not aware of it. Perhaps you would need to ask someone in the field what the directions are.

At the end of the day, regardless of who you are visiting – whether a stranger or someone you have known since childhood – there are certain Adab that need to be respected. Follow these recommendations set out.

If No One Is Home, Do Not Enter

فَإِن لَّمْ تَجِدُوا۟ فِيهَآ أَحَدًۭا فَلَا تَدْخُلُوهَا حَتَّىٰ يُؤْذَنَ لَكُمْ ۖ

If you find no one at home, do not enter it until you have been given permission… [24:28]

If there is nobody home, do not enter the house. Even if it is your own sibling’s home. Remember this, the original story that was the Asbabul Nuzul was talking about a woman whose own family member was entering her private space. She felt discomfort having her son or her father enter her room.

When it comes to us, if we were to go to our sister’s house and knock on the door and there was no one at home… Even if we had her house key, we should not enter without her prior permission granted.

Professor Hamka, in his tafsir book states that the issue with the adab in Allah’s religion is not restricted to the woman’s Aurah or guarding your gaze against seeing the human body of the opposite gender. This ruling is applied to ensure that we do not look at the faults of another person’s home.

My brothers and sisters, realise that our flaws and what we hide are not restricted to what is on our bodies. There are other things that we are also embarrassed for others to see. There are certain things that if possible, we do not want people to see. Our home is our own private space.

So, if we visit someone’s home and they do not let us in, there are things we need to consider. Perhaps their house is in a mess. Or perhaps in the house, there could be something that should not be seen by others. Perhaps they could have nothing to eat.

If we enter without the permission of the resident, we may see something that enrages someone to know that you have found out. Imagine entering your sister’s kitchen and opening the fridge, only to find it empty. If she were at home, would she have wanted you to find that out?

So, if someone stops you from entering his home, then take it as that and leave. Perhaps their children could be lying around, perhaps the whole household is currently feeling unwell, perhaps the washing machine is broken, and the laundry has piled up.

Perhaps there are clothes strewn everywhere to dry. Perhaps they are undergoing a family conflict. There are so many reasons why someone may not be comfortable with you entering their home. How could you insist on coming in even though the resident does not want you there?

Questions from the Audience (2)

Q: Do we need to seek permission prior to visiting? Can we arrive unannounced? Must we wait for an invitation before we visit?

The answer is no. You do not need an invitation for you to visit. However, if you arrive at the house, do not just enter without first seeking consent. There is a difference between what must be done and cannot be done, versus what should be done and what is good to do.

What is good is to plan ahead and make prior arrangements. Set an appointment for you to visit. It just takes a quick call or text to schedule an appointment.

This practice does in fact have a basis in this religion. Rasulullah SAW often went on long journeys. Upon his return, he would visit his companions and family. What he would do would be that he would not immediately arrive unannounced the moment he re-entered Madinah.

Instead, he would sit and rest at a certain spot, for example in the mosque, and he would send a Messenger to his home to let his wife know that he has arrived and that he would be returning home soon. This was his own home!

Yet, Rasulullah SAW taught us the proper adab for it. His messenger would give Salaam and inform his wife that her husband would be returning soon. The messenger does not enter the house, he merely relays the message. This is to allow the wife to prepare herself.

It could be that the house is in a mess. She could perhaps not be expecting his arrival anytime soon. Perhaps she needs time to dress up. Her hair could be in tangles. Perhaps she had not yet showered.

Perhaps the dishes had not been washed, the children had not been bathed… Even when it came to his own home, he gave his wife some notice that he was going to come. If this was how Rasulullah SAW was with his own home, then how can we not do the same for our friends, people who are not from our household.

We cannot just appear at their doorstep unannounced and expect them to welcome us with open arms. Our friend could get caught off-guard and have to rush to tidy up. The least you could do is to drop them a message letting them know you would be coming!

In today’s world, we have so many affairs to take care of. There are the children to tend, the household chores to manage, doctor appointments to meet… your friend could be busy preparing for her husband’s arrival home from work.

It could be their 15th wedding anniversary night, and you just decide to crash the party! Give your friend some advance notice. That is the least you can do for them out of adab.

Q: Well, what if the homeowner says, “make yourself at home!”?

A: This is something that is often said by people in the Malay community, “Buat macam rumah sendiri” translated to ‘act like this is your own home’. This is the Malay culture; we are quick to be cordial and friendly.

We speak in euphemisms; we sugar coat and add layers to our speech to be polite and not offend people. At times, we may add too many layers, such that the true meaning is loss. They could say “make yourselves at home”, when in fact they would rather not you be there.

When someone says that phrase, do not absent-mindedly take it as it is. Do not enter the person’s room and just switch on the air-conditioner and lie in their bed and snore. Do not just go into their kitchen and raid their fridge and announce you are cooking dinner.

From my understanding, this phrase is meant to say, ‘do not feel awkward in this house, we are brothers here.’ We can be casual, friendly, and comfortable, but please, remember to take care of your Adab! Our religion has set some Adab as prescribed by Rasulullah SAW.

Q: What is the correct way of giving salaam; is it “Assalamu’alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh” or “Assalamu’alaikum wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh”?

A: Both are accepted. The word “ta’ala” is to emphasise that Allah SWT is the highest. When you say “warahmatullahi”, you are saying “the Rahmah of Allah”, and when you add the “ta’ala” you are saying “the Rahmah of Allah, Most High”.

To me, personally, I do not think it is important to add that. There is no benefit to it. It may sound fancier, but Rasulullah SAW himself, when giving salaam did not himself say that word.

He had three responses to the Salaam being given, he could say “Assalamu’alaikum”, “Assalamu’alaikum wa rahmatullah”, or “Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh”. The same went for “Wa’alaikumsalam”.

To me, if that is what Rasulullah SAW has used, then it is perfect just as it is, not needing any amendments and appendix.

Leave When You Are Asked

وَإِن قِيلَ لَكُمُ ٱرْجِعُوا۟ فَٱرْجِعُوا۟ ۖ

… And if you are asked to leave, then leave… [24:28]

If the person you are intending to visit tells you they are unwilling to host you, then go home. If your friend says, “Hey Man, thank you for visiting. Unfortunately, I am not accepting guests today. Could you go home?”. Then leave immediately.

You can argue with me and say, “That is impolite! True Malays would never do such a thing!”. This is something we need to be wary of. At times, the Malays could be too caught up with being polite, to the extent that they get taken advantage of. We need to be understanding and have empathy towards one another.

It is common in the Malay community for people to do things so as to not offend others. This is a weakness that we have, we cannot accept if someone takes our actions to heart, if they feel disappointed or hurt by our actions.

So even if we may be in a poorly state, if the house is a mess, if we are in the middle of an argument with our spouse, if someone comes to our doorstep and announces, “Eh Man! I know you’re in there! Your door is open!!”, we will do our best to accept them.

As visitors, we need to learn to respect the rights of others. These are elements of basic human rights. People today keep bringing up Human Rights issues. 1400 years ago, Rasulullah SAW had already introduced us to the basic human rights.

What rights are these? The right to our own wealth, our own home, our own space, our own family, our own privacy… nobody can disturb them without our permission. If someone has asked you to leave, then leave. They should not need to justify themselves.

These are what makes it so difficult for the Malay community to have clear firm boundaries: (1) We hate to offend people, (2) We like to layer and sugar coat our speech, (3) we fear being spoken off, we are afraid of what people will say about us. It could be a small issue, and it will get blown out of proportions and spread like wildfire.

You could turn one visitor away and she will start making stories about you, saying “You know that Enap? We have been friends for decades! I travelled all the way across the island to visit her home. I even saw that the lights were switched on and her door was ajar.

I knew she was at home. Yet, when I gave her Salaam thrice, she responded saying, ‘I am so sorry, but can you go home? I am not accepting guests today.’”. Then you go around and spread this story across Singapore. This is not how a Muslim should act. Take heed, my brothers and sisters.

That is Purer for You, Allah Knows What You Do

هُوَ أَزْكَىٰ لَكُمْ ۚ

… That is purer for you… [24:28]

That is purer for you. For your heart, for your character (Akhlak), for your spirit, for your relationships. That is better, more noble for you.

Is it not better for you to turn guests away, rather than to force yourself to smile and pretend to be pleased? Would it not be better to not have your heart seething in silence as you mind your unwanted guests? This is not what we are taught.

In order to avoid such things, give people advance notice. Use the technology that we have as blessings from Allah SWT to make easy our ability to take care of our relationships with people. We should let them know a few days in advance.

Do not just call them up when we are already on the bus headed to their house. When it comes to work arrangements, we see no issue planning weeks in advance, yet when it comes to appointments with friends, we prefer to turn up spontaneously. That is not right.

وَٱللَّهُ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ عَلِيمٌۭ

… Allah is All-Aware of what you do. [24:28]

Allah knows what you do. Allah understands. If you are undergoing some form of difficulty, Allah SWT takes care of us. That is why He SWT has set these rules, such that you have the leeway to decide for yourself not to entertain guests when you are not in the state to do so. Allah understands, that is why Allah made it such that He can say, “You should go, my servant does not need your visit at the moment.”.

Allah also knows what is happening on the other side. Allah knows if you are going around spreading your dissatisfaction about being turned away to others. Allah is a witness of all that is occurring. And for all your actions, there will be a recompense.

Questions from the Audience (3)

Q: What do we do if a mother comes to visit, and her son/daughter in-law does not allow her to enter?

A: Innalillahi wa innailaihi rojiun, lahawlawala quwwata illa billah… In life, Allah tells us the laws for us to follow. He gives us the adab for us to honour. At times, there are laws, there are things that must be done, and things that should be done.

One such example is that seeking for permission is a must, and giving Salaam is encouraged. It is encouraged to give someone advance notice, even if it is not compulsory to do so.

In Islam, there are also issues where the solution does not lie in the rulings. The solution may come from communication problems. This is why in Islam, there are many occurrences, even in the life of Rasulullah SAW, where issues were resolved not through rulings, but through communication.

There has to be some form of communication, between the husband and the wife, when it comes to issues regarding their parents. In these issues, it is often a communication breakdown that is happening. Issues about feelings, emotions, respect and understanding. I would not go to say, “Scold the wife!” or “Tell the husband it is Haram!”.

No, this is an issue that should be resolved in the manner that is best. Have a discussion between the spouses to come up with a proper resolution that is most befitting of the situation. Find a compromise that allows the feelings of the elderly and the rights of the young to both be met. These are communication problems, there is no one solution to it.

At times, the seniors need to play a part too. The husband needs to understand that the one who had come is the person who gave birth to his beloved wife. He cannot be cold-hearted in declaring that his wife is now his wife, no longer her child, and that he has every right to turn her away.

Likewise, a wife should not tell her husband that she does not like his mother to come often. She needs to realise that it was his mother who raised him until he became her husband. It is the du’a of the mother that will make her family one that is happy and blessed. Strive to find a resolution through good communication.

For the mother-in-law, she needs to be understanding as well. She needs to realise that the moment she had agreed to allow her child to be married to someone else, at that moment, the relationship between her and her child is no longer the same.

The love between the two parties can remain the same. The amount of respect between the two remains the same. However, the child cannot be controlled in the same way as they used to when he was still a single man or a single lady. As a parent, it is important to let the child go so that they can find their own happiness.

At times, some of the problems stem from the fact that when we marry our daughters off, we are not ready to let them go to become someone else’s wife. We marry our son off, and we want him to remain as our dear little boy.

We want to still be in control of their lives. We call them up for every little thing. “Man, my head is spinning, come home and massage my head for me!”, she says to her son. Without her knowledge, he might be facing some issue with his wife at that moment.

I am not saying that a child’s marriage should be the same as cutting off ties with his parents, but it is important for us to find a balance. Life has phases and stages, make those adjustments.

Let the love and understanding remain between you, let the respect continue to flourish. Learn to establish new boundaries as your family develops. With that, In shaa Allah, your family will remain happy and blessed by Allah SWT.

I apologise if not all of the questions could be answered. If we do have time in the future, perhaps we could address them. Any shortcomings in this lecture and the ones before are my own fault. I love all of you, my brothers and sisters.

We are all as human beings full of our own shortcomings. This is a sign that we are weak creations of Allah SWT. We need to be aware of this so that we may always be relying on Allah SWT.

Make du’a for me and for all our teachers. May Allah SWT guide us all and grant us peace in this world and the next. Ameen.

Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.


Summary by: Arina Adom

Arina Adom is a lover of learning who takes on the world with an open mind. Resourceful and adaptable, always ready to take on new challenges. Comfortable working with diverse groups of people, yet able to work independently. Thrives under pressure. Currently seeking a meaningful career that enables her to impact lives directly and bring about positive changes in the lives of others in the community.

Arina graduated with a degree in Science ( Hons ), Life Science from NUS. She is currently taking a diploma in Quran and Sunnah Studies from Al Zuhri.

Arina Adom – Linkedin Profile

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